Conflicting Feelings

Mike & I have been married for two years next month, and not for one second of those two years have I wanted a baby. That's not to say that I don't like kids, because I do. I have the most adorable and fun nieces and nephews known to man and I love all of them so much. Lately, however, I feel like my feelings about being a mom are changing.

Right now is the first summer that Mike is working for Platinum Protection. Things are going well, and we'll probably continue to move away each summer and try to make money. Some of the wives out here either have adorable little ones or are trying to get them. Combine that with missing my family like crazy, and here we are.

I really want a baby. I really don't want a baby.

See the predicament?

Sometimes I think I'm pregnant and I get really freaked out, and then quickly excited. I start thinking of ways to tell Mike and if I'll get sick or not and how I'll tell my family. Then I find out I'm not pregnant, and it makes me sad. I'm grateful, because I want to finish school first, but I'm still sad.

I think that's God's whole plan in action. I'm one of those chicks who wants to do something with her life. I want to get my Bachelor's degree, go to Cosmetology school for makeup, get voice lessons up and running, and be in community theatre. If I had a baby, I couldn't do most of that, and it depresses me. However, I know that having a baby would bring me more joy than if I did all of those things--and that's why I know that God's plan is the right one...for women to be mothers, because we need to mother.

No worries, we're still not planning to have a baby for awhile, but I've come to terms with the fact that even if I don't think I'm ready, God will know when I'm ready. I just have to have faith that things will work out. One thing I know for sure: Mike is going to be an awesome daddy!