Non-Nutritive vs. Nutritive

Chloe is doing so well! 

We only did non-nutritive breastfeeding for three days before Brenda, the head nurse, called and said that Chloe is ready to start nutritive feedings! What this means is that I gradually decrease the time I pump before I feed her--that way she still gets a little bit of milk but doesn't get overwhelmed. 

Yesterday was the first time I tried nutritive and it was extremely frustrating. Chloe would latch, but then just sit there. She didn't even try to suck for twenty minutes. Only when they started pushing food through her feeding tube did she suck a few times. Mike and I went back last night and it was the same thing. I got so frustrated because she did so well with the non-nutritive and then she didn't even seem interested in the real thing. 

After awhile I gave up because she did. The good thing is that I was able to hold her for an hour and a half and she slept the whole time. The O.T. told us the growth hormone is only released/activated when the baby goes into the REM cycle, which is why skin-to-skin is so important. Chloe got a good forty-five minutes in the REM cycle, so I didn't feel completely useless. 

I'm going to go back tonight and try to do nutritive again. Wish me luck...

The Crazy Lady

This picture is when she was less than a week old and still on the oscillator. I love this picture because of her little nose...she's just so bundled and I think she's adorable! :)

(It has nothing to do with this post, but she's SO freakin' cute I had to include a picture!)

May I just say that the occupational therapist, Annie, is a caRAZY lady? 

It's awkward enough to take off your top in front of your nurse so you can practice breastfeeding, but to have a woman grab your breast and start molesting you is even worse. And it's even weirder when said molester calls you "baby."

Also awkward is when said occupational therapist spanks your husband. 

Yeah, you read that right. 

Oh well...if she can help Chloe to eventually breastfeed well enough to get out of the hospital, I'll let her grope my husband a little. 

Guilt

I have been feeling really guilty lately. 

I was told yesterday, while doing a non-nutritional feeding with Chloe, that I can start coming twice a day to see her. This way I can hold her twice and practice nursing with her. 

This should be a wonderful and exciting thing for me--I can go hold my baby twice a day and spend time helping her to grow and develop so she can come home sooner. 

So why don't I have motivation to go? 

I love Chloe but she still doesn't feel like she's mine. 

I see her for one or two hours a day and then I go home and life feels the same as it did when it was just Mike and me. I pump and sleep and read. I surf the internet and slowly pick up the house. 

I just don't feel like a mother. I want to, but I don't. 

Even when I'm holding Chloe in my arms, I think, Wow, she's such a cute baby. 

Not Wow, she's MY cute baby. 

I love her and I just want her home so I can stop feeling guilty if I'm too tired to drive to the hospital. I want to be able to take care of her at home. I want to bond with my little girl. 

If this post is any indication of postpartum depression, awesome.

C's Casts

Chloe is rocking her casts. She got her first pair on May 20 and Dr. Fox said that she did amazing. They don't bother her very much and they haven't had to give her any Tylenol. Comparing her casts to mine, which only went to my knees when I was one day old, hers are so much lighter! She can lift her little legs up and kick around. She's always stretching, it's so cute. :)

 Mike, Jamie, Mom, Mike (Jamie's F-I-L) and I signed Chloe's casts...mine looks like something you'd write in a yearbook, and my husband's says "I'm writing with my left hand. Luv Daddy." Awesome, I know. :)

Chloe got her casts changed yesterday and Dr. Fox was extremely impressed with how great her feet look already. He said he was surprised that she has made so much progress. That could be one of the blessings of Chloe coming so early--she had a seven week start on casting. :)

Dr. Fox is hoping that she continues to do well so they won't have to do any kind of surgery. Hopefully her feet will straighten out on their own...in which case I will be both insanely relieved and slightly jealous. ;)

Pumping (TMI)

Pumping is not easy. 

Especially when you don't have a baby home to motivate you. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so in love with Chloe. She is ridiculously adorable, from her itty bitty casts to her itty bitty noises. 

I just wish she was well enough to come home and I could just nurse her. 

It sucks that I can't be there every three hours to do skin-to-skin and to practice nursing with her. It sucks that I am afraid to drive because I could pass out at any moment. 

Pumping is very time-consuming and a long set up/take down process. After plugging everything in and adjusting the settings, I get to sit up while awkwardly holding the pumps to my breasts for at least fifteen minutes. I can't sit back because then the milk won't run down into the bottles, so my back is constantly hurting. Not to mention it's boring to just sit somewhere for fifteen minutes and try to ignore your nipples being pulled on. Gotta love that.
I am grateful that I can produce milk. My family has a history of inability to nurse and I am very grateful that I can breastfeed.  I just get so frustrated with pumping because I don't see immediate results. I know that Chloe gets my milk and it's the best thing for her, but it's hard knowing that I can't feed it to her. The nurses have to put the milk in a syringe, hook the syringe into a machine and then that machine slowly pushes the 30 ml. of milk through Chloe's feeding tube over a period of thirty minutes.
Last night I did my first non-nutritional feeding, which is where I pump at the hospital right before I hold Chloe and then she practices latching on and sucking. She doesn't quite understand the suck, swallow, breathe sequence yet, which is why it has to be non-nutritional. Mike talked to the NICU in detail and he said that they will be pushing her food through her feeding tube while she practices.. It was the weirdest thing EVER.
She would try to suck for a minute and then just fall asleep, but apparently that is completely normal for a baby at a gestational age of 33 weeks. She's rockin' it.
Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't want to pump, but I know she needs me to.
UGH.
Am I an awful mother? 

My Seester

You know that saying Always a sister, always a friend? Or God made us sisters, percocet made us friends? 

Yeah, that's pretty much how it is. 

There is no way I could have gone through what I did without my sister. She has dropped so much to help me over the past month. She has stressed, cried, laughed and worried with me. She's the one who took me to my doctor's appointment and then dropped her kids off so she could take me to the hospital. I was admitted at 3:00 and she stayed with me until Mike got there at 7:00. 

She made all the hard phone calls for me and kept everyone updated for me. When she wasn't at the hospital, she was calling me every day to make sure things were going well. She let us use her camera/took pictures of Chloe that are priceless to me. 

She painted my toenails so I didn't feel so ugly with my balloon-sized feet. 

When I was discharged, she was the one who came to pick me up and help me get ready to go. 

I stayed at Mom's house for a week and a half and Jamie took care of me. She fixed food for me and made sure I took my pain medication and got plenty of rest. 

The most important thing to me is how much she loves me and my little Chloe. Mom and Jamie have gone to see Chloe many times over the past two weeks and I'm so grateful that Chloe is surrounded by such love. 

Jamie,

you are the best seester I could ever ask for! 

Mike and I are so grateful for the sacrifices you have made for us.

I love you so much. 

Thank you for everything!

Grateful

After I finally posted about Chloe's birth, I wanted to follow it with a sequence of events that happened afterward. Obviously life has been hectic and I probably won't write as many details as I wanted to originally, and that's okay. 

My first thought was how all the love and support we received was extremely overwhelming and amazing. I've always known that my family and friends are incredible people, but I was constantly overcome with how great they truly are. Often I would sob over it because I was so grateful. 

Thank you beyond words to those who came to visit me in the hospital. It meant the world, even if I wasn't very coherent when you came. 

Elisha, it may sound silly, but when you came and did my hair, I was so grateful. It was one less thing to worry about at a time when I had never felt more vulnerable, pathetic and ugly. 

Kelly, it meant a lot that you would come back to give me a blessing when I didn't know I needed one. It was nice to just sit and talk afterward. Thanks for being there. 

I loved my nurses. I seriously had the best nurses in the entire world! Every single one made sure I was comfortable and even when I felt like an idiot for crying or not being able to stand up straight, they never made me feel like I was a burden to them. 

One of my nurses, Alyssa, was taking care of me when I had my massive panic attack where at least eight doctors came in to figure out what the heck was going on, and she was so worried about me that she came in the next day to see how I was doing. How nice is that?
I am grateful for the treats that were brought (LeAnn and Jen--best cookies EVER) and the flowers that were given. They brightened up my room and made me feel so special. 

Mike, I know why I was supposed to marry you. 

I needed someone who was strong enough to carry me through this ordeal and remind me that God is always watching over us. There are not enough words to describe how much I love you and how much I have needed you. 

You're amazing and I am so glad you're mine!

Plus, the Mother's Day card made me smile. :)

I still can't believe I'm a mother.  My daughter is in the NICU and when I'm with her, holding her against me and counting her hiccups, I start to realize it...but it's hard to leave my baby and go home to just the two of us again. It isn't real yet, and I can't wait for it to be. 

Chloe's Mother's Day gift to me:

Thank you to everyone who have been keeping up with us and our crazy journey. Chloe is doing really well and I will continue to blog about her progress here until she comes home, then I will continue blogging at my family blog.
We love you. 

Chloe's Grand Entrance

Saturday was CRAZY.

At 4:30 a.m. I got a call from Dr. Nance telling me that we needed to get the baby out. He told me to call my family and to let them know that my surgery was going to be scheduled for 6:00 a.m.

I immediately started bawling and woke up Mike. He could barely understand me, but once he did, he jumped up and called my mom and all my siblings. 

The nurses immediately came in and started prepping me. 

I was terrified. 

The nurse who did my IV couldn't find a good place in my left hand, so she tried my right. I am surprised I didn't pass out when she said she'd have to go back to the left. It was SO PAINFUL. 

The anesthesiologist came in to give me my numbing shot and epidural and he was really nice and calm. Mom, Jamie and Kelly showed up in no time and were all there cheering me on while Mike changed into a white suit so he could be in the operating room with me. 

The shots actually weren't that bad. The epidural was a metallic-like pressure that was more like "whoa!" than "ahhh!"

They wheeled me into surgery and Dr. Rees assisted Dr. Nance. No lies, it was great having doctors who are family friends...it made it a lot easier to express concerns and throw in a joke here and there to try and calm my nerves. 

The blue curtain went up and the anesthesiologist stayed with me and if I started to freak out at all, he made me look into his eyes and answer questions. I tried to be brave, taking deep breaths and trying not to focus on the fact that I was open on a table. It definitely didn't help that I had just watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy where Callie has an emergency C-Section after a major car crash. Watch it and you will understand how freaked out I was! 

There was SO much pressure and I started to panic when it felt like my ribs were being pulled out. 

Then I heard my baby cry.

I almost couldn't believe it. Dr. Rees asked, "Do you want to see your baby?"

"Yes!"

They pulled the blue curtain down so I could view my tiny purple miracle:

She was seriously the most purple thing I had ever seen, but I was so happy that I started to cry. Then I began hyperventilating and I don't remember anything but waking up as I was being wheeled to see Chloe in the NICU. They were moving me to recovery and so all my stuff was, as you can see, piled all around me. 'Twas awesome.

I couldn't see her very well because the bed was eye level. All I could see were her tiny clubbed feet. with adorable little toes that tried to close around my finger. No lies, I had to ask if she was cute, because I couldn't see her very well. :) And yes, she is! 

Well, I lost a lot of blood during the surgery. Below is a picture of the ghostness that was me:

I had to have four blood transfusions and because they had been pumping so much stuff through my vein, it was exhausted and by the time the third transfusion was halfway through, I was in a lot of pain. It was awful and I felt stupid that I had just had a C-Section and my worst pain was my hand, but hey, it happens.

I had to have FOUR blood transfusions. 

It was awful, but the end result was worth it:

HOW CUTE IS MY LITTLE GIRL?!

Kelly, Jen, the kids and Jake, Megan and Kaylee came to visit me, but I wasn't exactly coherent. :)

Later that night I had a full blown anxiety attack. 

I can't even explain how weird it was. I had a little panic attack after I saw her for the first time, but it was nothing compared to this. I couldn't exhale all the way because I had an intense sharp pain throughout my shoulders that was worse whenever I breathed, so I just couldn't get enough air. It was bad. My nurses called in a few different doctors and I had to receive oxygen, I got an X-ray, they took my BP again, checked for bleeding, everything. At one point there were at least seven doctors in the room. INTENSE. 

As embarrassing as it is, the severe pain in my shoulders and chest turned out to be trapped gas. Awesome, right? Eh. The body does weird stuff when it goes through trauma. 

I think that about covers the day she was born. If I had gone in for my scheduled appointment and waited that full week, Chloe and I would have died. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for my family and my doctor for knowing what to do and how to help my baby and me. 

Chloe Jane

May 7, 2011

6:48 a.m.

3 lbs. 2 oz.

16.5 in.

Welcome to the family, Chloe! :) 

Friday, May 6

Friday started out very normal and then quickly turned scary. The morning was good and Cory, Gavin and Sadie came to visit me. I loved seeing people who weren’t in scrubs. J Chloe did not want to be monitored so she kept moving when I had the belts on my belly, but no surprise there.

Around 3:00 p.m. I started to get mini headaches above my right eye that lasted about five minutes. I got them at least every two hours and so I reported them to my nurse. Combined with my really high blood pressure, I got a call from Dr. Nance at about 7:00 p.m. telling me not to eat or drink after midnight, just in case. Yikes!

Michelle Olsen came to visit me (Kyle had a cold, so Mike went down to watch a game in the lobby with him) and it was so good to see her. I feel like I haven’t seen a lot of my close friends in forever and it was nice to catch up! Thanks again for coming Michelle!

It got to be close to eleven and so Mike and I decided he would spend the night, especially if surgery was possible for the next day. We got to bed around midnight and the nurse said she would come in every two hours to take my blood pressure, so I went to sleep hoping to keep Chloe inside as long as possible. 

I'm running out of creative and/or informative titles.

I had a pretty rough night last night. Mike went home to hopefully get some good rest and I had a hard time being alone.  Dr. Nance came in at one in the morning to give me an update and I was obviously exhausted.

Mike texted me at 4:00 a.m. to say he loved me and couldn't sleep. 

Right back at cha, love. 

I woke up every hour and then at 7:00 a.m. there came a knock on the door:

"Hi, I'm here to draw your blood!"

Awesome, thank you.

Let me quickly stress that the phlebotomists here are AWESOME. I feel a tiny prick and then nothing. I'm not even scared to get my blood drawn anymore, and that is a BIG deal. 

Anyway, I went back to sleep for twenty minutes before breakfast came, and then I tried to sleep throughout the morning but doctors kept coming to see me. 

I talked to the head of the Labor & Delivery department and she gave me a breakdown of pre-eclampsia and answered my questions. She is really nice and she'll be in to check with me occasionally over the next few weeks. 

The neonatologist also came in and talked to me about the NICU and how the risk for babies born at 34 weeks drops significantly, hence we are trying to make it there.

Anyway, today was good. My BP has been a little high--right now it's 136/90--but otherwise I'm doing well. Chloe was wonderful and decided to stay put during the morning twenty-minute monitoring so I could get some sleep. Thanks, chick. 

Harry & LeAnn stopped by again today and LeAnn made me the MOST delectable chocolate chip cookies in the entire world. YUM. She also brought me some word searches and the cutest stuffed animal Snoopy in the world...pink and white, super soft and it plays the Charlie Brown theme when you squeeze it. 

Chloe might have to fight Mike for it...he thinks it's fantastic. :)

Jamie and Jagger came by too...Jagger is so fetching cute. Love him.

I had lots of visitors today and it was great. Mike's Aunt Cheryl came to see me for a few minutes, Ken came shortly after Jamie  & Jagger and then Katie showed up this evening with three-week-old Hailee.

Seriously, thanks SO much for coming everyone! 

I haven't had much chance to just hang out and be alone and I'm okay with it. :)

Not a ton to update on, but as soon as I have anything I will blog about it. I've been moved to the long-term patient section of the Labor  & Delivery floor and I love it. This room has more windows and more space. Super nice.

Well, goodnight!

Breastfeeding, a.k.a. TMI

It's been my goal to breastfeed Chloe.

Mike is a firm believer that breastfed babies are more intelligent, and whether that's true or not, it's cheaper and a bonding experience for most mothers and their babies.

I haven't been sure if I could breastfeed or not because my mom could only breastfeed from one breast and Jamie can't breastfeed at all. 

Well, if leakage is any indication of my ability to breastfeed, then I think I'm safe! Lol

I thought I spilled water on my nightgown earlier today, but nope--definitely breast milk! I have to wear these little pad things so my nightgown doesn't get all nastied up. 

Mike thought it was awesome, of course. 

Which could have been weird, but I'm grateful for a man who isn't scared of the natural things about my body. Way to be a real man, husband! You rule. :)

Well, I am getting more labs done tomorrow and I'll probably have to do another 24 hour urine watch. The neonatologist should come see me either tomorrow or the next day and tell me what I can expect with a premature baby. 

More updates to come!

Updates

Well, I am definitely not going home anytime soon!

The protein in my urine is up to 4000 which puts me in the severe range, meaning my kidneys are sustaining damage and leaking. Not so great.

My blood pressure is still high--as of this morning, 144/84--but nothing to panic over yet. Dr. Nance said that if I was 34 weeks, he would do a C-section today, but seeing as nothing besides my protein is too dangerous, he wants to keep Chloe inside as long as possible.

As not fun as it is, I don't really mind being in the hospital. The nurses are awesome and I can just relax. I'm sure it will get old the longer I'm here, but I'm much more comfortable in an environment where I can be monitored.

I have had a lot of visitors so far, and I love it! I don't want anyone to feel obligated to see me, but it is nice to see people. Today I got to visit with Jamie (who painted my toenails so I can feel as pretty as possible), Alyse, her little girl Aryn, and mother-in-law Terri. Thanks so much for coming and especially for all the books, Alyse! :)

Just so you know, Mike has slept over for the past two nights, so worried daddy is hanging in there. :) 

One thing I am excited to get back to is snuggling with my awesome husband. I miss him. 

Well, I will keep updating this blog and hopefully there will only be good news and at least two weeks before Chloe makes her debut! 

Yes. No. Maybe. Probably.

Today has been full of ups and downs and craziness! 

Last night I woke up twice to measure my urine (super awesome, right?) and get my blood pressure taken. My BP was down by a lot, so that was hopeful. The second time I woke up and called the nurses, they forgot about me until I called again fifteen minutes later. Lol They're busy, I get it. :)

I saw Dr. Shemmer, a high-risk OB, and he gave me an ultrasound. 

Good news: Chloe is PERFECT. :)

Her heart, brain, limbs, vital signs, etc. are right where they need to be. Her feet are still clubbed, obviously, but there are no other problems/defects. Right now she is 3 lbs. 10 oz., which is a LOT bigger than I thought she would be. 

I got another steroid shot today that will help speed up her growth, but they aren't too worried about her. She is doing so great!

My latest BP was 141/84. 

I am trying to get the numbers as close to 120/70.

I got the results from the 24 hour urine watch and I have too much protein leaking out of my kidneys, which is a sign there is some damage. Awesome, right?

While I am in a state that the doctors want to keep an eye on, the consensus has gone from definitely staying until she's born via C-section to maybe staying. One of my nurses, Kellie, said Dr. Nance might have me go home tomorrow and just keep an eye on my labs.

So...who knows! 

I won't lie--I feel much safer in the hospital. If anything happened it could get taken care of immediately. But if going home means more time for Chloe to cook, then I am all for it!

Mike and I are SO grateful for everyone being so awesome. Thank you from the bottoms, sides and tops of our hearts! We love you!

On that note,

thanks to Mom and Kelly for coming to visit me today! I know you're both insanely busy with your schedules and I'm glad I got to see you today. :)

"Looks like you've landed yourself a stay in the hospital."

Those lovely words came from my doctor today at roughly 1:30 yesterday afternoon. 

My family helped me decide to go to see Dr. Nance today because of my swelling and the problems with my circulation. Jamie took me and I expected to be put on bedrest, that's all. 

Not in the least.

After discovering too much protein in my urine and skyrocketing blood pressure, Dr. Nance calmly told me that I needed to get to the hospital ASAP.

"How long of a stay?"

"Until the baby's born." 

WHAT?!

Jamie rushed me home so I could pack a bag and went to drop off her kids to Chris. I was shaking and trying not to freak out as I packed when my crazy visiting teacher stopped by. 

Her name is Bevaline and she is super old and really sweet, but crazy. Her hair is wispy, white and thin and it looks like she was electrocuted or insanely windswept because her hair literally sticks straight out behind her head. It's awesome.

I answered the door and she had two of her grandkids with her. 

"Hi Jess, how are you?"

Bevaline never calls to make appointments. She just shows up, hoping I'm home, and when she does randomly catch me she acts like it's a miracle. 

"Hi, Bevaline. I actually can't talk now. I might be having my baby today, so I'm headed to the hospital."

"Oh, how exciting! When's your due date?"

"July 7, so it's not a good thing."

She proceeded to gasp histrionically and then practically shove her little grandkids away, telling me to go to the hospital and be safe. Gotta love her.

I checked into Utah Valley at 3:00 p.m. and, after answering a million questions, got two external monitors attached to my belly: one for Chloe's heartbeat and the other for any contractions. 

I am also getting my blood pressure taken every two hours because it's way too high. I'm on a 24 hour urine watch because of the protein and I have these awesome compression shin guards that are helping to increase my circulation.

Dr. Scott Rees came in and talked to me for awhile, which was great, because he's obviously a doctor but also Jen's brother. It's good to know someone and not feel weird asking questions. 

Jamie stayed with me the whole time, keeping family updated and just supporting me. Thanks Jame, it means more than you can imagine!

Mike was at work and I wanted to keep him there. I knew he needed a distraction because there was no use in panicking yet and being in the hospital wouldn't help. He came around six-thirty and it was so good to see him. I'm sure grateful to  have married such an awesome guy and concerned daddy. :)

Some of you may not understand why Mike didn't ignore my request and drop everything to come to the hospital. That's fine. I didn't want him here worrying when we had no news and I don't need to justify anything. I'm just grateful for him. 

So far I have two awesome nurses. My day nurse is Amanda and the night nurse is Kellie. They are both insanely helpful and nice. I don't feel like just a patient to them, I feel like a person. 

I know a lot of the information on this post is out of order, but I figure as long as I get it in somewhere it's okay. I got a steroid shot in my hip to speed up Chloe's lung development so they can be as functional as possible in case she comes in the next day or so. 

My blood work is clean and the phlebotomist was awesome. He stabbed me quick and was out before I knew it. So much better than the last time! :)
Mom and Ken came to see me and then Ken and Mike gave me a blessing. It was very needed and I'm beyond grateful to have so many worthy men at my fingertips! The blessing was very calming. Chloe will be born in the Lord's time and Mike and I will see many miracles throughout the rest of my pregnancy, whether it lasts a few more days or a month.
I'll keep updating as I get information.
Thank you SO MUCH to my family and friends who are being so supportive. We couldn't do this without you! :)

Oh my H.

Let me first say that I am grateful for Chloe joining our family in a few months.

She's going to be freakin' awesome. I already love her and I am so excited to meet her.

Now that my love for my baby is not in question,

I HATE BEING PREGNANT.

At least at this point.

My feet are so swollen they go numb. My toes are little sausages and the skin on the top and sides of my feet are stretched so far they shine. 

My circulation has been off for weeks. I don't remember the last time I could make a fist with my right hand. At first it was only my right side, but now my left side is going numb too. I can't sleep because of the numbness unless I'm on my back...

but isn't that not a good idea? (Yeah, double negative. It's my blog.)

I still have 9 weeks. 

NINE FREAKING WEEKS.

How am I supposed to put together Chloe's room if I can't hold things because of the bad circulation? With drum-tight feet?

I know this whole post is complainy, but if I don't let it out I am going to have a breakdown.

Well, another one, anyway.