I have been feeling really guilty lately.
I was told yesterday, while doing a non-nutritional feeding with Chloe, that I can start coming twice a day to see her. This way I can hold her twice and practice nursing with her.
This should be a wonderful and exciting thing for me--I can go hold my baby twice a day and spend time helping her to grow and develop so she can come home sooner.
So why don't I have motivation to go?
I love Chloe but she still doesn't feel like she's mine.
I see her for one or two hours a day and then I go home and life feels the same as it did when it was just Mike and me. I pump and sleep and read. I surf the internet and slowly pick up the house.
I just don't feel like a mother. I want to, but I don't.
Even when I'm holding Chloe in my arms, I think, Wow, she's such a cute baby.
Not Wow, she's MY cute baby.
I love her and I just want her home so I can stop feeling guilty if I'm too tired to drive to the hospital. I want to be able to take care of her at home. I want to bond with my little girl.
If this post is any indication of postpartum depression, awesome.
Jess, I know this doesn't even compare to your situation, but I have been feeling the same sort of thing about the little fetus inside of me. I know that Brooks and I created it, but I have a hard time feeling like it's my baby. I already love it, and know that he or she will be adorable, but I just can't picture myself as a mom.
ReplyDeleteI know that as time goes on and Chloe is home with you, things will get better and better and everything will become more real. You have already sacrificed so much, and you are one of the most amazing mothers I know.
I love you guts, and every other part of you as well.
My experience was nothing like yours, i.e. I got to take Maddox home after 2 days BUT, I felt the same way for a while. I would go through the motions of being a Mom but I did not feel as if I were a Mother. It just takes a little time to feel like it's real and that your life is really different.
ReplyDeleteI promise that sometime soon you will feel differently. When she gets to come home with you and you are her #1 it will slowly become more real. Don't beat yourself up. This too shall pass!
Love you. Email me ANYTIME and I will try to reassure you.
Hey Jess, this is Angela Ault (now McMillan). I read about your little miracle on Jamie's blog. First of all, I cannot believe how grown up you are! In my mind you're just cute, little Jessica, but now you're beautiful, grown up Jessica! I'm so glad to see that things are going so well for little Chloe. She is a darling little girl. I delivered my last baby at 26 weeks and he spent 3 months in the hospital. I live 3 hours from the hospital where he was born, so I rarely saw him at first. One month before he came home I moved to Orem so I could go breastfeed him once a day. I didn't feel like I could do more and I felt so guilty. But then I had the thought that we don't need to run faster than we're able. I was doing all I could and that was okay. Chloe will love you the same whether you go see her 2 times a day or 5. I felt the same way you do wondering when I would feel like he was mine and when I would feel the "love". When we finally brought Hyrum home, it felt almost the very same as when I brought my other 3 children home. Shortly after we were home with him, it just felt like he'd always been there. Just think of the NICU as an extension of your womb. Once she's home and in your care, you'll feel the love and responsibility. It just happens. And one HUGE advantage to having a baby in the NICU for so long is that I had 3 months to recover and enjoy sleeping through the night while someone else took care of the night feedings. I would never want a NICU experience again, but I did enjoy that small upside to it. =) So congrats on your sweet, little girl and I pray that things continue to go so well.
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