Gender & Heartbreak

First of all, let me share the good news...

It's a Beach BABE! I've felt from the beginning that she was going to be a girl, and so I was really excited to find out that I was right! Mike and I are so happy! It makes everything more real to us. My favorite part is that we both agreed on a name that we both love: Chloe.

Don't worry about how awful I look in this picture...worry about how we're holding twelve ultrasound pictures and looking pretty happy. :)

The ultrasound was awesome. The guy who did it was very helpful, explaining exactly what he was checking for and making it understandable. Chloe is doing great and every single thing about her is perfect, except for the one thing that I feared the most:

My baby girl has clubbed feet.

For those of you who don't know or don't remember, I was born with radically clubbed feet. Surgeries and casts were a norm for me. After that, I got used to using foot braces. My feet have some pretty gnarly scars running on the inside of both feet from my heel to my big toe. I can't stand for long periods of time without my feet aching, and every morning I have to pop my right foot--the worse of the two--into place. It sounds like a bone breaking--ask Mike or my mom. I can't wear heels because of the shape of my feet. The right foot is shorter than the other. I can't point my toes. Sometimes they hurt so bad that nothing helps but a good cry.

I do NOT want this for my daughter.

I understand that there are worse things out there. I've heard several times that "well, technology has come a long way, so it's not a big deal." It is a big deal, at least for me. Maybe if I hadn't gone through it personally and I didn't know about the everyday aches and pains and inconveniences, I'd feel differently.

Then again, maybe that's why she was sent to me. Maybe she needs a mother who knows how much it hurts and can empathize instead of sympathize. Maybe she needs someone who can tell her what to expect and not be clueless.

I know that Chloe is going to be fine. I know that she'll be able to walk and run and dance and do whatever she wants to. That does not change how I feel about this. It's going to be hard on her. She might trade between casts and foot braces for the first few years of her life. I was talking to Mike about the different things I had to wear and I think it's beginning to sink in for him, too.

I'm grateful that I know what to expect. I'm grateful that this isn't some extremely rare birth defect or disease that I have never encountered. I'm grateful the Lord is sending me what I know I can handle.

But that doesn't mean I can't cry.