Gender & Heartbreak

First of all, let me share the good news...

It's a Beach BABE! I've felt from the beginning that she was going to be a girl, and so I was really excited to find out that I was right! Mike and I are so happy! It makes everything more real to us. My favorite part is that we both agreed on a name that we both love: Chloe.

Don't worry about how awful I look in this picture...worry about how we're holding twelve ultrasound pictures and looking pretty happy. :)

The ultrasound was awesome. The guy who did it was very helpful, explaining exactly what he was checking for and making it understandable. Chloe is doing great and every single thing about her is perfect, except for the one thing that I feared the most:

My baby girl has clubbed feet.

For those of you who don't know or don't remember, I was born with radically clubbed feet. Surgeries and casts were a norm for me. After that, I got used to using foot braces. My feet have some pretty gnarly scars running on the inside of both feet from my heel to my big toe. I can't stand for long periods of time without my feet aching, and every morning I have to pop my right foot--the worse of the two--into place. It sounds like a bone breaking--ask Mike or my mom. I can't wear heels because of the shape of my feet. The right foot is shorter than the other. I can't point my toes. Sometimes they hurt so bad that nothing helps but a good cry.

I do NOT want this for my daughter.

I understand that there are worse things out there. I've heard several times that "well, technology has come a long way, so it's not a big deal." It is a big deal, at least for me. Maybe if I hadn't gone through it personally and I didn't know about the everyday aches and pains and inconveniences, I'd feel differently.

Then again, maybe that's why she was sent to me. Maybe she needs a mother who knows how much it hurts and can empathize instead of sympathize. Maybe she needs someone who can tell her what to expect and not be clueless.

I know that Chloe is going to be fine. I know that she'll be able to walk and run and dance and do whatever she wants to. That does not change how I feel about this. It's going to be hard on her. She might trade between casts and foot braces for the first few years of her life. I was talking to Mike about the different things I had to wear and I think it's beginning to sink in for him, too.

I'm grateful that I know what to expect. I'm grateful that this isn't some extremely rare birth defect or disease that I have never encountered. I'm grateful the Lord is sending me what I know I can handle.

But that doesn't mean I can't cry.

Dr. Nance & Dancing

Dr. Nance is a stud.

I just wanted to get that out there.

I had my first appointment with him yesterday and it was awesome! I got to my appointment fifteen minutes early and literally two minutes after I checked in, a nurse took me back to brief me on the protocol at the beginning of each appointment, etc. After that, Dr. Nance came in so quickly that I had barely filled out my personal information on the clipboard! It turns out that he is the Nance I thought he was. I know two of his kids from high school, Kurt & Rhett.

We chatted about Ambassadors and Encore (gotta love it!) and then he explained to me what I should be feeling/doing at this stage of pregnancy.

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat again and it was super strong! Dr. Nance guessed that it's a boy, but he jokingly told me afterward that he's never right. Lol We'll find out next week!

At this point I should be gaining one pound a week. I won't lie, I haven't exercised in a LONG time. Not since November when I would go walking every morning. I thought I was doing okay because I lost ten pounds and had only gained three back over a course of a month, but then the nurse weighed me.

I've gained four pounds in a week. Not okay.

Luckily, my dear husband bought me Just Dance 2 for V Day, and I love it. It has a "Just Sweat" feature where you can pick your weekly exercise routine. I started the mild program yesterday--the goal is to have 2,100 "sweat" by the end of the week--but I have so much fun dancing that I've already met the weekly objective. My body is sore but I feel AWESOME.

The hardest dance I've done so far is "That's Not My Name" by the Ting-Tings...very sweat-inducing!

I'm glad that I started this relatively early in the pregnancy. I'm not so out of shape that I hurt myself doing this, but it's still a challenge. Plus, don't women who exercise during pregnancy have a better bounce-back rate? I'm all about losing weight once the baby comes! I want to be back to my wedding day body. I think that's the best I've ever looked/felt.

Anyways, onto the better me! I think the baby will appreciate it. :)

19 Weeks

I am 19 weeks and I finally feel like I look pregnant in just about everything I wear. My teacher asked me on Tuesday if she was seeing a baby and I was like, "Why yes! Yes you are!" I love looking pregnant. I'm sure in ten more weeks I won't love it as much as stand it, but for now, I'm good.

I have started using the bathroom every hour and I hate it. I'm used to drinking five bottles of water and keeping it in for more than two hours. I now have bathroom stops as a part of my daily schedule. I know which bathrooms in the UVU library are the least crowded and how long it takes to get to my classes from them. It's ridiculous. Get off my bladder, you son/daughter of a Beach! :) Bwha.

Jamie and I were talking about sleeping when pregnant the other day, and I find that I do what she did: I go to sleep on my side and wake up on my back. It doesn't bother me until I get out of bed, and then I get sharp pains--I'm going to talk to the doctor about that on Monday. My stomach will hurt at random times and I'm just hoping he chalks it up to uterus growth.

So, I'm excited about finding out the gender, I am--but not really. I want to know, but it doesn't bother me that I don't. I've got cute names picked out for either, so I'm set. Mike is very excited and I think I only get anxious about it when other people tell me how excited they are. Weird but true.

Well, I am hungry all the time but I no longer get nauseous when I haven't eaten, I just get really hungry. I'm loving my new maternity skinny jeans so I can wear my cute boots, and I've got a lot of cute empire-waisted shirts to wear to show off ze bump. I've got an awesome husband and a bag of Hershey's Kisses in the fridge.

Life is good.

All I Think About

Baby Updates!

First item of business: Medicaid accepted me! Yay!

Second item of business: I got a new doctor! It's Dr. Nance in Springville. I didn't know this before, but he's friends with my parents and Jen's parents (Steve & Linda Rees). Anyway, Dr. Nance was Jamie's doctor for Jagger, and so I called and pleaded my case.

He is not currently taking patients...but he took me! :)

My first appointment with him is February 14...yep, Love Day.

I find out if I'm having a Beach BUM or a Beach BABE on February 23...

Mike & I are a little excited. :) 

The Disappearing Act

I got a call last week from my doctor's office telling me that I needed to reschedule my February appointment. When I asked why, the nurse told me that my doctor had moved to California and would not be returning.
Um...WHAT?!
She told me that I could either go to Dr. Judd, the other doctor, or go to someone new. I was so frustrated, because it was obviously last minute--after all, why would a doctor take a new patient if he knew he would be moving in a month? I talked to Katie and she had no idea that he was gone.
So I no longer see Dr. Weibell. Now onto the search for a new doctor!

"I just love being pregnant!"

I disagree.

I don't hate being pregnant, but I'm not in love with it either. I'm grateful that I am able to get pregnant and to bring a baby to my family, but all the aches and pains and mood swings are definitely not perks. My nausea is gone, and I'm eating much more frequently now, so that's nice. I've only gained about four pounds--which is weird, because my latest craving has been Oreos saturated in milk--and I'm hoping to gain less than thirty total. I looked it up, and with my height and pre-pregnancy weight, I should only gain 15-25 pounds. Any more and I'll know the Oreos were a bad idea.

I feel fat all the time. Not pregnant fat, but ugly fat. Unless I'm posing for a picture, my belly just looks like a big nasty hanging over my jeans. I want some form to the sucker without having to cradle it. Mike tells me I'm beautiful, blah blah blah, but he has to say that or my hormones would get out of control and I'd attack him.

I don't feel beautiful and I really really really wish I did. Tell me in sympathy that I am beautiful and it doesn't matter. It doesn't change how I feel.